This Could Be Heaven Or This Could Be Hell
by slincoln0000
Summary: Mass Effect 1 novelization. Femshepley.
1. Chapter 1

**All right. New Shepard, new story. **

**This will be the first of a three part series featuring a FShepard/Ashley romance. If you read Healing, Shay will have some things in common with my other Shepard, Kallian. Thanks to ****dajohu****, sadbluegirl, Hattu, OEMoose, and GlaDOS-01 for the go-ahead. I do hope to edit/finish Healing eventually as well.**

Shay stepped down from the stage grinning. She quickly made her way to the bar where she ordered another beer.

"Hotel California. Really Shepard?"

Laughing, Shay glanced at the bartender, "It's a classic, Paul."

The man looked at her. "If you say so, Shepard. I don't think any of these clowns knew it."

A woman stepped up and put her hand on Shay's shoulder. "He's right, Shepard. And I know you can sing way better than that."

Shepard sipped her beer. "It's karaoke, Lindsay. I'm not here to showoff."

"Collins! Shepard!" A tall man dressed in Alliance fatigues approached the two women.

"Hey, Benton. Dooland finally let you off your shift?"

"Just in time to hear you kill The Eagles, Shay."

Shepard and the man fist bumped and Shepard turned to Lindsay. "See, Collins. Danny gets me."

The corporal rolled her eyes. "You two are ridiculous…Shit. Shepard check your six."

Shay turned around and then quickly turned back. "Oh fuck. That who I think it is?"

The other woman grinned. "If by that you mean the hot redhead you used to sleep with then yes. Hey, Carly! Over here!"

"I will kill you, Corporal."

It was too late. The redheaded woman had seen the three friends and made her way over. "Commander Shepard. It's been too long!" She sloppily kissed the smaller woman's cheek and Shepard grimaced, wiping the lipstick she knew was smeared there off her face.

An uncomfortable silence following during which Danny looked mischievously at Lindsay before they both disappeared. Sullenly, Shepard stared after her "friends" in resignation.

"Hey, Paul. Can I get-" Shay stopped mid-sentence when she realized Paul was already pouring her a glass of jack. She smiled gratefully at the bartender before downing the whole drink.

"So…How have you been, Carly? Still working at The Red Harp?"

Carly had not removed her arm from around Shepard's shoulders and she beamed in response. "Yes. I haven't seen you there in a while. I remembered you used to come here a lot so I've made this my usual."

"Listen, Carly…"

"How was your last mission? Anything exciting happen?"

"Not really, no."

Meanwhile, Shepard's friends had decided to take pity on her and come back. "Hey, Carly, sorry. Our squad is having an exclusive party and we are in need of our great leader. She'll call you tomorrow?" Lindsay said, Danny nodding solemnly in the background.

Carly pouted for a moment but agreed. Before leaving, she pulled the commander to her and forcefully pressed their lips together. Once she was gone, Shay closed her eyes for a few seconds before opening them to glare at the other two soldiers. "Was that _really_ necessary? I hate her!"

Lindsay smiled smugly. "Yeah well you should have thought of that before you slept with her."

"I was drunk!"

"Come on, Commander. She's not so bad," Danny interjected. "You always find something wrong with them eventually."

"We are so not discussing my love life right now," Shay responded. Then she laughed. "Come on. We only have a couple weeks leave and I plan on getting drunk tonight. When's the rest of the squad getting here?"

Danny smiled. "Some of them are already here. The rest will meet us later; I told them we'd be here all night."

"All right. Let's go."

…

Several drinks later a very sweaty Shepard was dancing and singing with Lindsay on stage. Danny and the rest of the squad were cheering for their commander and corporal from the dance floor.

When the song ended, Lindsay dragged the other woman down with her. They ended up rolling on the floor laughing before being pulled up by the others. "Shit, Shepard. No matter how many times we do this I always forget how much you suck at dancing."

Shay shrugged and began dancing awkwardly towards the bar. "Now you know how I feel when we sing together!"

Glancing at Linsday, Danny grabbed the commander and the two began swaying side to side. "Don't worry. We'll always love you, Commander. Even if you do dance like a seal on drugs." The rest of the squad cheered in response.

"How the hell do you know what a seal looks like on drugs, Benton?" The commander asked.

"By watching you dance, I can get a pretty good picture."

"Ha. Ha." Shepard responded. "I'll be right back, I'm going to grab another drink."

Lindsay joined Shay in heading back to Paul, and the two sat together at the bar.

"You seem good, Shay." Lindsay smiled at her friend.

Shepard returned the smile and nodded. "It's good to be on leave."

"That's not what I meant."

The commander laughed. "I know. And thanks."

"So, I got my new assignment."

Shepard's eyebrows rose. "You did? That makes everyone but me then. It looks like I'm being transferred."

"You going to be okay without us?"

"Of course. I'll miss your regular bouts of insubordination, but I'll keep in touch."

"Yeah, you'd better." The corporal smiled. "It won't be the same without the three of us being together. It's been four years."

Sipping her beer, Shepard nodded. "Feeling sentimental, Collins?"

"Oh please. As if you aren't? You can play the not taking anything seriously card all you want, Commander, but I know you."

Wrapping her arm around her friend's shoulder, Shepard kissed the side of her head and whispered, "I know you do."  
…

They were interrupted by the arrival of a sergeant in full uniform. He saluted the commander crisply before speaking in hurried tones. "Orders for you, ma'am."

Lindsay and Shay shared a look as the commander returned the salute. "Go ahead, sergeant…Welton, is it?"

"Yes, ma'am. You're to report in to command. ASAP."

"ASAP? Like now?"

Blushing, the young sergeant shrugged. "I'm sorry, ma'am. That's all I know. Captain Anderson sent me."

Groaning, Shepard looked to her friend. "I'd better go, Linds. Tell the others?"

"Sure thing. Love you, Shep."

"Love you too." Lindsay hugged her friend quickly and watched her leave before heading back to Danny and the others to give them the news.

…

At her apartment, Shepard logged onto the network and scanned her messages.

TO: COMM. C.S SHEPARD.

FROM: CAPTAIN D.E ANDERSON

Shay,

Welcome home. Sorry to interrupt your shore leave, but something's come up. Meet me at 0600 Docking Bay 7d. Tomorrow.

-David.

Glancing at her watch, the commander saw that it was already past midnight and sighed. So much for shore leave. Looking through the rest of her messages, she made note of the all plans she'd have to cancel since it seemed as though she'd be leaving Arcturus the next morning.

Ignoring the time, she made a quick call. "Hey. It's Shepard…"I know it's late, but listen. I have to leave tomorrow…No, I don't know where I'm going…I just got the orders. Rain-check on dinner?...I miss you too. Bye."

Shay sighed and looked around her tiny apartment. It was barely lived in, and it looked as though she wouldn't be staying there long this time either. Sometimes she wondered why she didn't just tell the Alliance to give it to someone else. It was only a kitchen, living room, bathroom, and bedroom. The kitchen and living room were connected by a half wall, making it seem a little less cramped.

There were a few pictures of Danny, Lindsay and her in the living room. Some paintings hung on her bedroom wall. Besides that, there wasn't much else besides for a few more photos next to her bed. Already not having many possessions, Shay had never felt the need to buy more, especially not for decorating a place she hardly went to.

She quickly decided not to bother sleeping that night. Grabbing her duffel from her closet, she threw some pictures and clothes into the bag and zipped it up to leave it by the door. Then she took a quick shower and changed into uniform. Her fridge was pretty much empty, but she had a few old ration bars in a cabinet. She grabbed the least offensive tasting one and wolfed it down.

Looking at the clock, the commander saw it was a little before three, three hours before she would have to be at the docking bay. Exhausted, she slumped onto the couch in her living room and rested her head in her hands. Danny and Lindsay would be so pissed she was leaving without saying goodbye.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapters after this will get longer. I just wanted to make Eden Prime it's own, and get some background on the characters. **

Shepard sighed in relief when she finally found docking bay 7d. She'd had to go through four security checks just to get its location told to her. When the doors slid open, her eyes widened in surprise.

The ship was small compared to the dreadnought Shepard had last been placed on, but it was beautiful. The tech looked incredibly advanced, even from the outside. Shay could see why the ship would be so heavily guarded, especially since its existence was seemingly classified.

She saw a man leaning against a wall nearby drinking coffee and approached him. Squinting at his rank, she smiled in recognition.

"Lieutenant Alenko?"

Kaidan turned towards the sound of the voice and choked on his coffee. Black hair. Green eyes. Scar over the left eyebrow. He straightened quickly and drew into a salute. "Commander Shepard. It's an honor ma'am." 

Shay fought back a laugh as she returned the salute and settled for a smile. "At ease, Lieutenant. Mind pointing me towards Captain Anderson?" 

"He's on the bridge, third floor, ma'am. "

Kaidan watched her go and his eyebrows drew together. Something big must be going on if Commander Shepard was brought in to be their new XO. Last he heard she was leading an elite squad out in the Terminus Systems hunting slavers. They wouldn't take her away from that for nothing. He drained the last of his coffee and moved to follow the woman inside. Maybe the pilot would know something.

…

The commander decided to drop her bag off in her quarters before meeting Anderson. An ensign directed her to the 1st floor and she quickly located the XO's quarters. At least she got to get her own room. It was small but she had her own desk and bed, and that's all she would need really.

Looking at herself in the mirror, she traced her scar with her fingers and sighed before leaving to find her captain.

Anderson was standing near the navigation system looking puzzled about something. Shepard noticed that he looked slightly stressed, as if there was something important on his mind. Upon seeing Shepard, his face relaxed into a grin and he opened his arms wide, embracing his former protégé. "It's been too long, Shepard. How have you been?" 

"I've been good, David…I saw that lieutenant you've been telling me about outside. The one you're replacing me with? Want to tell me what's going on?" 

"All in due time, Shepard. I instructed the pilot to wait for you to board, but we're leaving right now for Eden Prime. I'll brief you in a while, just get yourself situated. And you know no one could ever replace you. I've actually been hoping you could train him, scope him out for the N-7 program."

_Eden Prime?_

Shepard nodded at the captain in agreement and then left him to go to the helm of the ship.

"We are connected. Calculating transit mass and destination. The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit. The board is green. Approach run has begun. Hitting the relay in three... two... one..."

Shepard barely felt it as the ship approached the relay and kept walking towards the voice she seemed to recognize.

"Thrusters…check. Nagivation…check. Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift…just under fifteen hundred K."

"Fifteen hundred is good, your captain will be pleased." Shepard heard a turian speak and almost turned around to question Anderson until he spilled. She was interrupted by the turian voice, however, as he walked by. "Commander," he said with a nod.

"I hate that guy." 

"Nihlus gave you a compliment so you hate him?" Shay heard Lieutenant Alenko ask.

"Good!" A voice exclaimed. "That was brilliant! I swear to god if our XO is as much a hardass as he is I'll make his life a living hell."

"Actually, Joker. The new XO is a woman…I met her this morning and you won't believe it, it's Comm-" 

"A woman, really? Well that's bloody brilliant. Next thing you know she'll be-"

"Sure you want to finish that thought, Moreau?" Shay laughed.

Joker jumped out of his seat, sputtering. "Shepard! Anderson didn't tell me he was pinning you for this charade." 

Shay stared at him for a moment. "What do you mean charade?" 

"That turian? That was a Spectre. Nihlus." 

"That doesn't mean anything, Joker. You shouldn't question Captain Anderson," Kaidan interrupted.

"They don't send Spectres on shakedown runs, Alenko," The commander told them.

"Right," Joker responded. "I guess we'll find out soon enough. We'll be at Eden Prime in 18 hours. Well, seventeen since it's me flying. Speaking of. Shepard, have you _seen_ my girl? The Normandy is everything I've ever looked for in a woman."

Shepard barked a laugh. "I'm sure you'll meet a real woman someday, my friend. You're right though. This ship is amazing. I'll be back, I'm just going to make some rounds, meet the rest of the crew." 

…

Joker noticed that Kaidan stared at where the commander had stood long after the woman had left them. It seemed the lieutenant had a case of hero worship. Well, there was nothing the pilot could do about that.

…

A man in full dress uniform waved the commander over when he saw her. "Commander Shepard. I'm the navigator, Pressly. It's an honor to have you with us."

Shepard eyed the man curiously. She didn't understand the purpose of wearing dress uniform while the ship was traveling, and supposed that the navigator might be slightly pompous and conceited. He seemed well enough though, and he'd have to be pretty competent for Anderson to select him for what she was increasingly realizing an elite team.

So she offered him her hand to shake and allowed her lips to quirk slightly at his overbearing smile. Then she caught sight of another familiar face. "I'm sure we'll be seeing a lot of each other, Pressly. But if you'll excuse me there's someone I need to speak with." 

Pressly responded with "Of course, Commander," but the woman was already gone.

…

The doctor's smile turned into a full on grin when Shepard finally saw her and walked towards her.

"Commander Shepard. Fancy meeting you here."

"What the hell, Doc? I felt awful canceling on you last night and you didn't mention that we'd be serving on the same ship together?"

Doctor Chakwas shrugged and hugged the commander. "I missed you, Shay Shepard." 

Acquiescing to her affection for the other woman, Shay returned the hug and smiled. "I can't believe we're serving together. Although if Anderson is putting together his own team I shouldn't be surprised to see you." 

The doctor didn't respond right away, taking a moment to look her former charge over. She looked okay, not underfed. She looked exhausted. Her eyes had the familiar glint in them, however, and her smile seemed genuine.

"You still haven't grown, I see."

"You know, you're the only one I'll let comment on my size. Yes, Doctor. I'm still shorter than you. Unlike you, however, I can take down men twice my size."

"That's true, dear…If it helps you to think that way."

Shay sighed. "Why did I delude myself into thinking I missed you again?" 

"Probably because you did. It's been 11 months since we've seen each other." Karin replied. "And your communication has been very insufficient," she said with a glare.

"I know," Shepard responded as she raked a hand through her hair, loosening some strands that then fell into her face. "Things were pretty crazy in the Traverse…I barely had any downtime."

Karin hesitatingly placed her hand on the commander's shoulder. "Cordelia…I heard about Brienne."

Just as Karin spoke, however, Joker announced via the comm, "Shepard, Anderson wants you in the board room."

With a halfhearted smile, Shepard turned away from her friend and went to find some answers.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Eden Prime is next. I got busy, so here's another shorter chapter to set up for the first mission. _**

**_Yestare70- It's true. It is an ultra-classic. Thanks for the review! I will get back to Healing. I'm considering keeping up with both at the same time, just not sure if that would work._**

**_Hattu - thanks! Joker and Shay's background will be a slow reveal. _**

_**Gabrielle Henson - thank you! I'm going to try not to let any characters get left out. **_

_Shepard rounded the corner with her pisol raised, only decloaking when she saw Brienne standing in the dimly lit corridor. "Why'd you break off from the main squad?" She asked, her voice portraying her anger._

_The commander could just make out her second's grin through the helmet as she spoke, "They were too slow. All clear through here, Commander. You found some children alive?"  
_

_In contrast to Brienne's cheeriness, Shepard 's voice sounded tired. "Yes, some," she replied softly._

_Brienne frowned and was about to speak, but just then they heard some scuffling around the bend._

_Shay's eyes widened as she watched Brienne move towards the corner. "Brienne, don't!"  
_

_Brienne waved her off, stepping out of cover and began to fire. She then ducked back around. "It was just one, Skipper. I got him."  
_

_She didn't notice until too late the grenade that rolled to her feet. Eyes wide, she turned to look at her commander, her face set in horror._

_Shay screamed and raced forward towards the grenade and Brienne, all rational thoughts gone from her mind. She was too late. An explosion burst around her, flinging both her and Brienne backwards. _

_There was ringing everywhere. And it felt like her arm was on fire. Shay groaned and turned her head. Brienne had lost her helmet in the blast. Her lifeless eyes stared at her commander in accusation. _

_Shepard stumbled to her feet and grabbed her weapon from the ground. She got to the corner and hid behind the wall, cloaking herself. There were three batarians that must have hid in a side room while Brienne took out the others. Shay took them out quickly, feeling nothing at their looks of surprise._

_She made her way back to Brienne and held her body to her chest. She felt herself cry for the first time in twelve years. She should have saved her._

Shay jerked awake and felt the tears on her cheeks. She wiped them off hurriedly and stood up. It was 1800; they wouldn't be at Eden Prime for another six hours. Remembering she hadn't eaten since the middle of the night before, she decided to head to the mess and grab a couple ration bars.

It was then that the conversation of a few hours ago came back to her. The turian was testing her for Spectre candidacy. And Anderson was going along with it. It was insane, and Shay didn't know how she felt about it. The first human Spectre? She just wanted to go back to the Terminus System and hunt the bastards who'd killed nearly everyone she loved. But since when had Shepard gotten anything she wanted.

Rubbing her eyes, the commander pushed that thought away. Self pity had never worked for her.

Immediately, she thought of Lindsay and Danny, and how they would have no idea where their commander, well former commander, and friend was. Shepard went to the desk and brought up her terminal.

TO: L.E. COOPER; D.A. BENTON

FROM: C.S. SHEPARD

_Hey guys. I hope you didn't go looking for me; I'm on a ship. It turns out my new assignment started this morning. Sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I'll fill you in when I know more._

_Be safe._

_-Shay_

Shepard sighed as she shut the terminal back down. She knew they wouldn't be happy about her reduced leave, or with her abrupt departure. However, Shay was happy with it. Lindsay and Danny meant well but being around them had been getting exhausting. They thought it was good to talk about Brienne, and all Shepard wanted to do was push Bri from her mind.

"_You knew she just wanted to be like you, Shepard. That's why she broke off…"  
_

Lindsay's words continued to haunt the commander; the intent to assure Shepard that it wasn't her fault was lost.

The commander splashed some water on her face and left to pursue some kind of food.

At the mess hall, the commander found Kaidan sitting alone at a table. Figuring it would be rude to ignore the lieutenant, Shepard grabbed some coffee and a ration bar and sat across from him.

Kaidan started when she first appeared, but regained his composure. "Commander," he said with a nod.

Shepard nodded in return. "Evening, lieutenant."

They continued to sit in a comfortable silence. The commander appreciated the lieutenant's reserved nature, finding in him a kindred spirit.

…

Kaidan tried not to stare at the woman across from him, knowing that if he was her he would hate it if people treated him like anything more than a regular human being. It was difficult, however. Especially considering that he'd worshipped the woman from afar ever since her stint on Elysium. He could admit that. To himself at least.

The Alliance had been using the woman as a poster child for several years now, but there were still few pictures of the stoic woman across from him. She was smaller than he expected her to be, much smaller. He guessed that if they stood next to each other that she'd be at least six inches shorter than he was, if not more. Rather than making him doubt her prowess, that knowledge only impressed him further. He knew from the many rumors surrounding the commander that she was very skilled in all forms of combat, hand to hand not excluded.

When she finally spoke again, he blinked in surprise, snapping out of his contemplation. It took him a minute to process what she was asking.

"You're a biotic then?"

"Yes, ma'am. I'm an L-2." He waited, expecting the normal expression of fear or contempt, but he received none.

"I'm an L-3. Not the most powerful, but it is definitely useful. I look forward to seeing what you can do. Anderson's told me you're very skilled."

Kaidan blushed. "Thank you, Commander." He looked down before making eye contact. "I normally receive less than pleasant reactions when I mention the L-2 part, even from other biotics."

The woman across from him frowned in what he figured was disgust. "Firstly, if we're going to be working together, call me Shepard. It's what most of my former squad called me. About the L-2 component, people are idiots. I've heard a lot about the L-2 implants, and I know if you were anything less than stable you wouldn't be serving on this ship. Do you get the headaches?"

"Yes, ma'am. Shepard. Don't worry though, they don't interfere with my abilities on the field."

Shepard waved him off. "Like I said, I'm not worried about your abilities, Alenko. Anderson hand picked you. That's enough for me. If anyone ever gives you any trouble about being a biotic, you let me know and I'll deal with them."

Kaidan nodded and struggled to contain his grin to a grateful smile. "Thank you, Shepard. It's refreshing to hear that."

The commander nodded and stood. "I'd better prepare for the mission. It's supposed to be in and out, but in my experience, things are never that simple." Kaidan stood and saluted.

"See you later, Commander." She waved off the salute and left, leaving Kaidan to think about everything that she said.

…

Instead of returning to her quarters, Shay went to see Joker. She knew he was supposed to be on break to get some shut-eye, but Joker never left the landing to others. He'd probably been at his post for all twelve hours.

She was right. "Hey, Jeff. Still don't trust anyone else to fly your babies?"

Joker looked up and grinned. "No way in Hell, Commander. I'm going to be sleeping in the co-pilot chair when I let Jeffries take over. I mean, she's okay, but I'm not leaving anything to chance."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Right. Anyways…What's your take on this mission? I have a bad feeling about it."

Joker rolled his eyes in turn. "You always have a bad feeling, Shepard." At the look on her face, he added, "I admit, they're usually right in your case, but I don't know. Eden Prime is one of the safest colonies Earth's got. I can't see why anyone would want to attack it."

Frowning, Shepard thought about what he said. It didn't erase the feeling; rather, it made her more suspicious. "I guess we'll find out in a few hours. I hope you're right," she replied as she sat down in the empty co-pilot's chair.

"Where is Jeffries anyways?"

Joker smiled. "She said something about not wasting her time enduring my presence and went to help the techs down in Engineering. Her shift is over in a few hours."

Shay laughed. "I like Jeffries. She's been your second for how long? Since I met you a few years ago at least."

Scoffing, Joker replied, "She loves it. And yeah, going on five years. For as long as I've been Anderson's pilot." Then, eyeing Shay sideways, he asked, "How have you been? I've barely heard from you since you were last on Arcturus more than a year ago."

Joker was one of the few people Shay would allow to ask that question. "Subtle. So I'm guessing you heard I lost someone under my command?"

"Yeah. Listen, Shepard. I know you thought of her like a sister, but…"

"I don't want to do this, Jeff."

Sighing, Joker shrugged in response. "The Doc has been worried about you."

"I know…I should have stayed in contact with you guys, but I just couldn't. I needed some time."

"Well you've definitely had some of that."

Joker sounded angry, and Shay swore to herself. "I'm sorry, Jeff. I shouldn't have tried cutting you out. You okay?"

"You know I can't stay mad at you, just don't do it again, all right?"

"Sure. Not like I can now anyways. You, me, and Karin all on the same ship? Can't believe it."

"It is pretty weird. But, it's good, you know? You _need_ me."

Shay laughed and shook her head, thinking to herself that she did need him. There were few people that knew the not deadly serious Shepard, and Joker was one of the them.

…

Anderson found the two of them laughing several hours later and smiled. He approached them and placed his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "You ready?"

"Aye aye, Captain. I'm ready."

Anderson turned to Joker. "We're about a half hour out?"

"Yeah, we'll be there in – wait. There's an emergency transmission coming through."

Shay frowned and focused on the screen in front of them. Immediately, the sound of gunfire and screaming filled the cockpit. There was a woman in pink armor running, and Shepard could see the outline of some of the oddly shaped attackers in the background. They were robotic.

"This is Gunnery Chief Williams transmitting from Eden Prime. We're under attack. If you're getting this-" The transmission cut off in static.

The three looked at each other, all trace of laughter gone.

"I'm going to suit up," Shepard said, "Let Alenko and Jenkins know to do the same, Joker."

Shay was armored and armed in less than fifteen minutes, and she went to stand outside the docking bay. Jenkins was waiting outside it as well, bouncing on his heels.

"Commander! I'm finally seeing some action."

The young soldier was grinning, and Shepard removed her helmet to stare at him coldly. "With that attitude you won't survive long, Private. You make sure to follow my orders or I'll have you back on this ship before you even fire your weapon. People are dying down there. Get serious or take off your armor and wait for us to come back."

Jenkins flinched at the woman's tone of voice and sobered immediately. "Aye aye, Commander. Sorry."

Behind them, Shepard heard footsteps and turned around. It was Doctor Chakwas with medigel. "Here you go, Commander." Looking from Jenkins to the commander quickly, Chakwas nodded her thanks. Shepard could tell that the woman had been exasperated by the younger soldier's giddiness.

A few moments later Nihlus and Alenko appeared and Joker's voice sounded over the comm, "I can't land, the landing zone looks like it's under attack. You'll need to take a shuttle to a couple miles out."

Shepard looked to Nihlus and motioned for the other two to follow her. She called to Joker, "Call Jeffries. We're going in."


End file.
